As part of the qualifying process for my surgery I spent several hours with a psychologist examining the reasons behind the circumstances that led to my desire to have my stomach radically reshaped and my plumbing rewired. I also read a ton of books. Books about the actual surgery itself. Books by people who'd had the surgery. Cookbooks. Books about why people eat the way they do. I also slowly modified my diet to mimic what it would look like post-surgery (and lost 4o pounds). Cut out carbs. Soda. Sweets. Dr. Sabapathy (my psych) told me I was a model patient - in the top one percent (with regard to pre-surgery weight loss).
So it was a little disheartening when my experience fell short of all my preparation and expectations. I missed eating normal food. I missed COOKING normal food. For the first few weeks I was eating cottage cheese, deli turkey, string cheese . . . not a lot of prep involved. My biggest culinary feat was sauteing some green onions in Pam for my refried beans. I love the chopping, following recipes, adding a bit here and there to spice things up. I didn't realize how much I'd miss the act of getting ready to eat.
And, when I was finally able to branch out and try new things, the meal never lived up to my expectations. For a couple of weeks I dreamed about Thanksgiving. How I'd be able to eat some turkey with a tiny bit of gravy. It was a disaster. The first time I'd gotten nauseous. I had to leave the table and go lie down. Those tiny bites of turkey just didn't want to go down. I suspect I was eating too fast.
I've started cooking things I used to cook, but modifying the recipes to accommodate my small repertoire of allowed foods. When we have chicken quesadillas, I don't have the tortilla or corn. I just have the grilled chicken, some mozzarella cheese and a little salsa and low-fat sour cream. When I make pizza, I just scrape all the toppings off and leave the crust. It's about 80 percent satisfying, which I can live with.
I still grieve my the loss of my former relationship with food. But I'm doing my best to move on - forget the past and look toward the future. It may be a future without ooey gooey, calorie laden food, but it will be a future worth living for.
Summer fun revisited
11 years ago
4 comments:
i'm guessing that without the crutch of food as a consistent source for satisfaction, you will find satisfaction in the right things...which again, we could all use a little help doing. you've done a more courageous thing than most will ever do...removed the crutch. the fact that you are grieving the loss means you are on the right track to healing. just amazing, janet.
as someone who shares in that love of cooking i can't imagine the monotony of brief meals. argh! kudos (ha!) to you for being so faithful to what is set before you. if you ever want to cook for people, you know who to call.
ready for the next post :)
so now what's going on? i miss stories and both blogs are eerily quiet. the holidays getting you jam-packed? maybe after the first of the year we can really hang out...yeah?
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